Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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