burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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