I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
