I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
how drunk are you?
Several
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
