I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
