You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
