Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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