R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
