his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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