So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
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At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
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There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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