So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
