I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize