we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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