people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize