This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
