OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
