she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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