Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
