haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
