He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
