only you would photoshop your dick
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
