When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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