That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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