Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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