Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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