I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
