I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
