Sry I called you an 8
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
