wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
