I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
