dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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