I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
