very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
