giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
