I can text with my tongue
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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