Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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