My friends, they love my intelligence
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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