True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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