At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
