You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
