You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
