i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Be still, my beating vagina.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
