I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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