I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
