please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
