His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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