just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
