yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
