So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
