I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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