First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
