I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
barbara walters just said penis...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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