I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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