Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
