last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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