i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
